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Confidence is Everything: How To Start Conquering Your Self-Doubt (Part I)

Administrator Career Advice, confidence, Leadership, Self Image, Success, women Tags: ,

Part I—The Problem

Learning That Failure is Not Fatal

You all know exactly what I’m talking about. That constant internal critical voice telling you that you should have said or not said something or that you should have done or not done something. Harping at you that you’re not good enough, you’re going to embarrass yourself, you’re going to fail, you’re a fraud, and you don’t deserve your success. Holding you back. Making you afraid. Doubting yourself.

How does this play out in the professional world? Let me break it down for you.

  • Women suffer from self-doubt. We question our abilities and downplay our achievements. We aren’t comfortable confronting our own power. We don’t own the right to be the leader.
  • Women are afraid to risk and fail. We try for perfection, believing that competence is enough to put us on top. This is a fundamental misconception. Confidence trumps competence every time. If our greatest fears are realized, and we do fail or receive negative feedback, our self-confidence and self-esteem plummet. Men, on the other hand, are better able to shake it off or blame external factors.
  • Women feel like frauds. We constantly underestimate ourselves. We suffer from imposter syndrome and fear we are about to be found out. Women who have reached admirable positions cannot shake the feeling that at any moment they will be unmasked as incompetent pretenders.
  • Women are unable to rely on past achievements. Far from resting on our laurels—or even allowing ourselves to enjoy them—we ascribe our success to a confluence of luck and the efforts of others, while men will credit their innate skills and abilities.
  • Women lack self-confidence. We allow our fears to hold us back—we don’t put ourselves forward, challenge ourselves, reach for opportunities, take bold risks, choose growth, or insist on a seat at the table.

Telling that incessant internal nagging voice to shut up or overriding it is one of the hardest challenges women face. But it’s necessary if we’re going to learn the most important lesson: Take action. If you succeed, terrific. If you fail, so what? Failure is not fatal.

Society has been drilling male supremacy into us since we were little girls. The internalization of historic gender stereotyping has convinced us to buy into the patriarchy by giving away our power. How often have you been too afraid try something for fear that you’d be humiliated or come across as too pushy and aggressive? All too often we are our own worst enemies.

From childhood on, we’re constantly told to be good little girls, to behave like a lady, to defer to the boys, to please the grownups to secure their approval, and not to be bossy, outspoken, aggressive or disruptive. Meanwhile, “boys will be boys,” rough housing, hitting, yelling, interrupting, pushing girls and other boys aside.

Think about it.

Let’s go back to our elementary schools for a moment. At that age, girls are developmentally more advanced in the skills prized for excelling in school. We have more advanced verbal and fine-motor skills, longer attention spans and greater social awareness. In contrast, the boys are rambunctious, have difficulty sitting still for long periods of time and frequently disrupt the classroom. Girls quickly understand that teachers value them for behaving properly and being “little miss perfect.” They become approval junkies, vying for praise and validation. In their quest for perfection, girls avoid “acting out.”

As a result, girls never learn that taking risks, making mistakes, and disappointing the expectations of authority figures are all part of the path towards self-confidence. Instead, we live in fear of being ridiculed for making a mistake, doing something that causes the loss of approval, and, most terrifyingly, of failing. And if we do make a mistake or experience a failure, girls spend endless amounts of time and energy beating themselves up and dwelling on that defeat, reinforcing self-doubt and risk-aversive behavior. Letting ourselves fall into that thinking only feeds our internal critical voice.

The ability to accept criticism, get penalized for bad behavior, and take failure in stride is never incorporated into most girls’ makeup. Boys, on the other hand, receive fairly constant criticism and disapproval for their behavior, allowing them to become accustomed to scolding, disapproval and even failure while inuring them to the idea that only perfection is rewarded. They learn to slough it all off and move forward.

Not us. Girls go to great lengths to prevent exposure to one of life’s greatest lessons: Failure is not fatal. The world does not stop spinning, life goes on, we are not shunned and shamed, and we survive to fight another day.

Instead, as children we needed to experience any number of failures and defeats to acquire the knowledge that you can brush yourself off, persevere, compete and succeed. That engenders self-confidence.

Well, you might say, that’s all well and good, but I’m a grown up now. As a child, I did not allow myself to repeatedly fail and persevere. Or, I have already failed more than once, and it has left me insecure and fearful. I never want to experience that again!

As a result, I allow self-doubt, risk-aversive behavior, self-sabotage, and the ‘impostor syndrome’ to keep me from speaking up boldly, taking risks outside my comfort zone, taking credit for my accomplishments, asking for promotions, snagging a chair at the table, or laying claim to leadership roles.

What do I do now? Am I doomed to a life of fear and self-sabotage?

Absolutely not.

Stay tuned for Part 2: How to start conquering your self-doubt so that you can live your life with self-confidence and reach your full potential.

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14 thoughts on “Confidence is Everything: How To Start Conquering Your Self-Doubt (Part I)

  1. This article has described me in so many areas of my life. In order to be successful I must change my mindset.

  2. Great read….going through this fear of failure in my life as we speak! Cant wait to read more….thank you!

  3. A big thanks for this article. Hoping I will be able to get the rest of it _ am in great need of building myself up so as to enjoy the rest of my life. Someone who didn’t know me from Adam pointed out that I only saw the things I did wrong, after she saw me getting frustrated with tryimg to learn something new.

  4. I think there’s a book called, “I thought it was only me,”. And that’s my problem. In my inner world, there is only me and I’m not conscious of the cultural influence I grew up with. Thanks for the reminder; I recognize all of it!

  5. Amen!! Yes yes yes! I am always shamed by my family for having that “loud personality” and being shamed for taking over a room when I walk in!! Im told to bring it down a notch! And for what?? I still act like a lady and have manners?? I just have that loud grab the room by the balls personality! And my family says its because I am just like my Dad!! And I am! I own that and I love that about me!! But it all boils down to the point that its okay for a man , like my father, to be this way, but not me?? I get this message loud and clear from this 1 blog and I want more NOW! So far im loving this WOMAN and I want to know what she has to say!

  6. Self sabotage has been a huge ongoing problem for me for as long as I can remember. I relate to this in so many different aspects of my life right now.
    Everything said in this article is #TRUTH
    Thank you

  7. This is very encouraging, can’t wait for part 2 and the start to recovery of my self-esteem and how not to take no man’s $hit or anyones for that matter. I live in fear of my mistakes everyday and they literally kill my sense of life and being human, but I shouldn’t let anyone use my mistakes as a weapon against me and that’s how I feel I fail.

  8. Freshly into my 25th year of life, i have come to realize all in which i thought i knew, i actually knew nothing of! What little i have known, vanished with what seemed to be even without a trace! I’ve personally been battling self sabotage,fighting to get stronger, refusing to give up but finding it difficult to stay awake and just breathe! this article has helped me to receive my perfect imperfections, as even more than that! Failure is hard to accept especially when you’re the only who knows and sees your failures! it can get suffocating at times, and being alone makes the fight so much harder, just bout near impossible once you hit that rock bottom all alone.

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